Just to clarify, ladies: men, in case you are unsure, are those bumbling creatures generally portrayed in advertising these days as: ‘Things who are meant to be useful for car maintenance, moving heavy objects and assembling Ikea furniture, but very rarely are.’

Be that as it may, a beloved member of Contented is (although he has been known to sport a tartan skirt on occasion), a chap and so I felt it incumbent upon me to mount a vigorous defence of the male species.

Therefore I’d like to make the case that they’re not 100% useless. They’re not even 97.4% useless. In fact, there are many things that they’re really, really good at. And as proof, here are ten of them:

  1. Hiding behind the sofa, softly weeping, when they see an Ikea flatpack coming at them
  2. Understanding who killed who and why, in action films
  3. Burping with unashamed – nay, boasftul! – delight
  4. Imagining they are in significantly better shape than they actually are and are only four bench-presses away from a hot date with Megan Fox
  5. Flatly resisting any of the ways we want to change them, even though it’s so obviously for their own good
  6. Sleeping deeply on the sofa in front of the TV yet, if you change channels, opening one eye and saying, ‘Oi, I was watching that!’
  7. Pacing up and down the street whilst pointedly looking at their watches – and sighing dramatically – just because you’ve popped into a shoe shop for several hours
  8. Saying ‘But you’ve got so many shoes already. Why would anyone need more than one pair?
  9. Leaving the dishes to ‘soak’ in the sink and then never returning to do them, because the ‘dish fairy’ will take care of all that
  10. Buying their significant other a can of Castrol GTX for her birthday because the petrol station was on their way home and they’d tried one shop already

So, as you can see, men are not completely rubbish. Plus, in some instances, hanging round with them can be profoundly educational. Indeed, who else would take the time to explain the offside rule to you for hours and hours and hours on end?